shipwrecked

A ode to finding faith again…

I had lain awake countless nights wondering why my heart felt numb.

Why the four walls of my room suffocated me; why I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror too long without my stomach clenching and my throat tightening — pain that was impossible to swallow, pain I could not hide. Why my happiness was only short lived before exhaustion crept its way in, snuffing out the last of the golden embers.

I became an expert in pretending to be okay; while the walls inside me crumbled, leaving an open gateway for the ashes drifting into my home.

I could barely recognize that place anymore. My safe haven became a torture chamber, and my silent cries drowned out the rest of the world.

I am lost. For the first time I let myself believe it. I let my unshed tears fall freely as I cupped my hands together and raised them towards You.

And I spoke. With everything I had left in me, I spoke to You. I have nothing. I put all my faith in this world and now I am drowning. 

I stood at Your door broken and battered for the thousandth time, the guilt of one too many second-chances circling around me like a terrible storm. And yet. And yet you opened it.

I am lost. I have been lost for longer than I am afraid to say. I have been wandering this shipwreck searching for my freedom, but the ruins all look the same and the exits lead nowhere. Save me. Save me. Save me.

At last, my limbs began to move. I thrust against the current and fought to make it to shore. That first breath of air became my salvation.

I no longer stood with my hands on my knees, bent before a false throne; but before Yours. And You planted a garden in my heart. In the place of thorns and weeds grew wildflowers.

I came to You a broken servant, having failed you a thousand times…

but Your Mercy sent me home cleansed of my scars and purged of my darkness.